Scratch that. Jarvis Varnado likely preceded Jesus in his earlier life, kicked Jesus’s ass when Jesus was a mere kindergartner, grew up to be savior of the world, died, then came back to life as Jarvis Varnado.
Let’s get one thing straight. Jarvis Varnado doesn’t block shots. Shots are merely pulled into Jarvis Varnado’s tractor beam orbit, then repelled by the same hands that have parted the Gulf of Mexico on two separate occasions, once to save a child from drowning, the other to rescue an endangered species of whale that was nearly killed by poachers. When he was a mere adolescent, Jarvis Varnado practiced his water-parting skills on the Red Sea. He was able to pull that feat off before his balls dropped. Take that, Moses.
Jarvis Varnado is a saint. He once blessed the Pope.
Jarvis Varnado once ordered 965 Dick’s Deluxes and ate them in one sitting. You’re probably wondering how he got ahold of Seattle’s favorite burger all the way from Mississippi. He teleported here. That’s right, Jarvis Varnado can teleport. He learned it by watching four episodes of the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers as an eight-year old.
You know the holy water you find at church? That’s Jarvis Varnado’s pee.
Jarvis Varnado once dunked on Michael Jordan’s mom, then had the decency to apologize for the mistake and take the nice lady out to dinner. That night, Michael Jordan was conceived.
Jarvis Varnado once swam across the Atlantic Ocean. Chuck Norris was speaking at a conference in London, and Jarvis Varnado had the urge to pick a fight.
Jarvis Varnado does not know what dysentery is. Jarvis Varnado always made it through Oregon Trail completely healthy, having lost no members of his caravan, while serving hearty portions, and traveling at a grueling pace.
Jarvis Varnado once slayed a dragon simply to study its tendencies. Now Jarvis Varnado spits fire.
Jarvis Varnado wrote nine of the Ten Commandments while taking a poo on a Sunday afternoon. The tenth commandment came to him Monday night, while he was in bed with Jessicas Alba, Biel, and Simpson.
Jarvis Varnado once flashed gang signs at Venoy Overton.
Every time Jarvis Varnado unwraps a Tootsie Pop, he finds the picture of the Indian shooting the bow and arrow with the star. Jarvis Varnado has never paid for a Tootsie Pop. The first one was a gift.
Jarvis Varnado single-handedly led Mississippi State to an SEC Tournament Championship, and will single-handedly lead MSU to the National Championship, with Washington being the first victim on the Jarvis Varnado warpath. Should the Huskies even show up? I mean, it’s Jarvis Varnado…