Jesus? No, Jarvis.
Scratch that. Jarvis Varnado likely preceded Jesus in his earlier life, kicked Jesus’s ass when Jesus was a mere kindergartner, grew up to be savior of the world, died, then came back to life as Jarvis Varnado.
Let’s get one thing straight. Jarvis Varnado doesn’t block shots. Shots are merely pulled into Jarvis Varnado’s tractor beam orbit, then repelled by the same hands that have parted the Gulf of Mexico on two separate occasions, once to save a child from drowning, the other to rescue an endangered species of whale that was nearly killed by poachers. When he was a mere adolescent, Jarvis Varnado practiced his water-parting skills on the Red Sea. He was able to pull that feat off before his balls dropped. Take that, Moses.
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Let’s face it, who doesn’t want Morehead? The Eagles of Morehead State are taking on Chief Kickingstallionsims and Alabama State (Chief K. is ASU’s starting center, and yes, that’s his real name) in the first game of the 2009 NCAA Tournament. The play-in game is being broadcast on ESPN as we speak, with MSU up 31-23 early in the second half.
The loser will go home, while the winner will get a shot at mighty Louisville in the official opening round of the Tourney later this week. Feel the upset!
Please God, make this man a Lion
Send Jay Cutler to the Lions, that’ll show him. If John Clayton says it, it must be true. And right now J.C. is saying that the only two NFL teams capable of trading for Broncos QB Jay Cutler are the Cleveland Browns and Detroit Lions. Yes. Send him to Detroit where he can camp behind a shaky O-line and play in front of a morbid fan base. There could be no greater justice in sports.
What’s worse than being a women’s college basketball analyst? Today on Sportscenter, NCAA Women’s College Basketball analyst Kara Lawson was being asked her take on the Women’s NCAA Tournament. It was like listening to Charlie Brown’s teacher. I heard “UConn” a bunch, then noise, then some more noise. Mostly, I feel bad for Kara Lawson. What does she do the rest of the year? And I’m sure she has to have a grasp on the fact that few people care about what she’s saying. Hopefully the paycheck atones for all that.
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It’s a sad day when an institution like the Seattle Post-Intelligencer closes its doors. No matter your feelings on their work, the P-I has been around for well over a century and has remained a fixture in this city and on local newsstands throughout that duration. The newspaper has been iconic and has worked in partnership with The Seattle Times to provide this city outstanding reporting and commentary since 1863. Yes, they will still be providing news online, at SeattlePI.com, but having just one local newspaper delivered to your doorstep or available on the rack at a grocery store will be odd.
As a kid, I hand delivered copies of the Times throughout my neighborhood, and made a habit of checking box scores and transactions in the sports section each and every day. For many of us, the newspaper is still a valued resource when it comes to news, and watching this industry crumble before us is disheartening, to say the least. We’ve allowed the internet to become our primary news source, with up-to-the-second reports and mercurial commentary that could never reach the pages of a paper. That’s just the way our world works now, be it good or bad.
Regardless, I feel for the good people at the P-I who lost their jobs today. Even Cougar homer Jim Moore, who if you haven’t had the pleasure of talking to, is actually a really nice guy. This is a sad day in the city of Seattle, and I only hope that things can get better with time.
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