Seattle Sportsnet

Would I hit it? Of course I would.

Yesterday, we brought you the All-Laminated List Team, a Top 11 countdown featuring an all-star lineup of athletes that you’d let your significant other sleep with (hence the Laminated List). Today, we’re bringing you the exact opposite of yesterday’s list. These are the All-Laminated List Rejects, 11 athletes who nobody should sleep with (let alone your significant other). Some of these guys are flat-out hideous, others are just jackasses who inspire our greatest disdain. Either way, they’re not worth of any lady’s time when it comes to procreation. You’ll see.

11. Kobe Bryant, Guard, NBA, Los Angeles Lakers.

Rap sheet: Adulterer; accused rapist (later acquitted); selfish ballhog.

If Bedroom Kobe is anything like Basketball Kobe, the ladies are going to be in for a miserably tiring evening. Kobe will demand at least 50 orgasms, though he’ll probably only convert on about 20 of those. On the 30 attempts at which he fails, he’ll yell at his poor victim and demand more attention to detail the next time around. When he does connect on a climax, watch out. He may pump his fist or shout, startling even the most alert females. If the sex isn’t good enough, he’ll be out trashing the lady in the media the next morning, and if his wife happens to find out, he’ll just buy her a new ring.

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I feel your pain, yo

Terrell Owens has been released by the Dallas Cowboys, and it’s all Jason Witten’s fault. Witten is the bastard that got in Tony Romo’s ear and convinced him that T.O. was evil. Romo, in turn, took a once-united locker room and divided it by skin color, white and black, anti-Owens and pro-Owens.

The whites wanted T.O. gone.  They were sick of his honesty, sick of his big mouth.  The blacks wanted T.O. to stay.  They appreciated his candor, appreciated his forward approach with teammates.  Ultimately, the whites won out, and T.O. headed off into the Dallas sunset with his release.

I hope Romo and Witten are happy.  They just lost out on one of the league’s premier receivers because they squabbled like schoolgirls.  Owens isn’t perfect, I get that.  But Tony Romo and Jason Witten are far from innocent in all this as well.  Good luck to them piecing together their 8-8 season next year.

*Side note: The Seahawks should bring in T.O., then draft Michael Crabtree.  Along with Housh, Deion Branch, Nate Burleson, and a retained Bobby Engram, the Hawks can run unprecedented six-wide sets.  Yes.