Seattle Sportsnet

A gaggle of University of Oregon basketball players were cited by police after shooting metal BBs at ducks and geese Monday night.

Freshmen Michael Dunigan, Josh Crittle, and Teondre Williams were each served with court orders for their role in the harassment of the water fowl at Eugene’s Alton Baker Park.

Police spokeswoman Jenna LaBounty stated that it was unclear whether any of the birds had been injured or killed during the shootings, though the charges placed upon the trio were for discharging firearms, rather than animal cruelty.

One can only speculate on the players’ motive for firing at the birds.  Did they need to eat the birds to survive?  Had the birds at one time or another offended the players?  Did the birds attack the players first?

While the reason for the shooting has yet to be revealed, one thing remains clear.  Duck on duck violence has been taken to a whole new level, and it needs to be stopped.  Stop the violence!

We break down your 2009 Seattle Mariners, position-by-position, with the start of the MLB regular season fast approaching.  In our first installment, we took a look at the infielders.  In our second installment, we examine the outfield situation.

Projected Starters: LF Ken Griffey, Jr./Endy Chavez; CF Franklin Gutierrez; RF Ichiro Suzuki.

Bench: Chavez, Wladimir Balentien/Mike Morse.

Fighting for a spot: Balentien/Morse, Mike Wilson.

40-man roster players in the minors: Greg Halman.

Outside of the playing time situation in left field, not too much going on in the outfield. Gutierrez and Ichiro were starters before Spring Training, and Chavez was signed early in the offseason with the intention of being a stopgap starter until a younger player emerges.

With Griffey on board, Chavez’s role has diminished to some degree, and it remains to be seen how much of a hit his playing time will receive if Griffey refuses to DH.

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Imagine coming home one day, walking into your bedroom, and finding your wife sleeping with the University of Virginia.  “Oh, UVA, I loved it when you had Sean Singletary and Chris Long on campus at the same time,” your wife would moan just as you walked in.

“What the *bleep* is going on here?!” you’d scream.  “Why is Al Groh firing his son in our bathroom?!  And was that Ralph Sampson making a sandwich in the kitchen?”

“It’s not what it looks like,” she’d say, “we’re just friends….”

But in reality it is what it looks like, and they aren’t just friends.  They’ve been sleeping together, cheating on you for some time now, pulling the wool over your eyes.

In the end, they’ll run off together and make millions of babies like jackrabbits in a beautiful meadow, while you’re left to wallow in your own self-pity and contemplate whether or not your unwillingness to live outweighs your desire to make a quick run to McDonalds for 12 Big Macs.

It sounds horrible, and it is.

No one deserves to feel like this, but today, that’s exactly how fans of Washington State basketball feel. Yesterday, in a stunning move, they lost their cheating head coach, Tony Bennett, to the Virginia Cavaliers.

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Congratulations to former Washington State basketball coach Tony Bennett for providing our WTF Moment of the Year.  After years of deceiving everyone with his “I love Pullman” talk, Bennett just royally betrayed all of Cougar nation by bolting for the head coaching vacancy at the University of Virginia.  I know.  I completely forgot that UVA existed, too.

To call this move a head-scratcher would be a complete understatement.  First off, Bennett has a pretty good thing going at WSU, where the expectations are low, and he can mask his coaching and recruiting deficiencies by playing hard-nosed defense and flying under the radar.  Not so at Virginia, where the unassuming Wisconsin boy will be thrust into the spotlight and expected to turn a completely irrelevant Cavalier program into a contending force in the ACC.

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Remember Gordon Bombay?  He was the reckless coach of the peewee hockey team in Disney’s Mighty Ducks trilogy, a one-time lawyer sentenced to community service that found himself through hanging out with teenagers.  A wild-and-crazy hotshot who settles into the role of mentor in the first Ducks installment, Bombay regresses to his me-first ways as a sellout public figure in D2, the second edition of Ducks.  By D3, Bombay has left the coaching box for a return to the courtroom, though still cameos as the once-again compassionate, loving patriarch of the Flying V.

Such is the life of Memphis men’s basketball coach John Calipari.  From 1988 to 1996, Calipari was the on-the-rise head man at the University of Massachusetts.  Thanks to one Marcus Camby (aka Ducks’ captain Charlie Conway, aka future Dawson’s Creek co-star Joshua Jackson), Calipari led the ’96 Minutemen to their first-ever Final Four appearance, whereupon his team was defeated by eventual champion Kentucky.  Nevertheless, Calipari carved his own Ducks-like sequel, bolting UMass for the glitz and glamour of the NBA, where the stay at the top was short-lived.  In two-plus seasons with the New Jersey Nets, Coach Cal comprised a mediocre 72-112 win-loss record, all but punching his return ticket to the college basketball ranks.

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Moments after the Elite Eight matchup between Michigan State and Louisville came to an end, Westwood One radio coralled MSU guard Travis Walton and asked him his thoughts on the Spartans’ victory and advancement to the Final Four.  Without necessarily answering the question, Walton replied, “Thank you, Jesus!  This team is blessed.”

A seemingly harmless response, unless you know Jesus like we do.  Here at Seattle Sportsnet, we caught up with Jesus Christ himself, and asked Him His thoughts on the game, as well as the rest of the NCAA Tournament field.  Suffice it to say, He wasn’t pleased with Walton’s outburst.

SSN: Jesus Christ, let’s get right to it.  Did you do anything to help Michigan State win this basketball game?

JC: God, no.  I had Louisville winning it all, for My sake.  I did My best to help Terrence Williams find his shot, but I can only perform so many miracles in such a short amount of time.  Just ask Scottie Reynolds.

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If Homeland Security wants to catch terrorists, all they need to do is look for floppers.  Manu Ginobili is a flopper, and thus a terrorist.  French soccer players are terrorists.  They flop, too.  Basically, if you’re a serial flopper, chances are you’re out to destroy the world. 

And that’s what it really comes down to with flopping.  It doesn’t just scream dishonesty, or unnecessarily delay sporting events.  It doesn’t just teach children the wrong way to play the game, or force the action into the hands of officials.  No, it’s much more than that.  Flopping is a greater evil.  Flopping is the basis of a complex, villainous plot to destroy our wonderful earth.  It needs to stop.  And it needs to stop now.

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You can't see it from this angle, but there's a cheeseburger on the rim.

Can we all agree now that DeJuan Blair can best be summed up as “chubby?”  I’m chubby.  I know chubby.  DeJuan Blair is chubby.  Some might even say he’s fat.  For God’s sake, the guy has moobs.  That should be evidence enough.

Forget the stats, Blair’s season can be summed up in one single play.  In the final seconds of Pitt’s matchup with Villanova, Blair allowed his team to lose the game.  As ’Nova guard Scottie Reynolds motored past him on the way to the game-winning basket, the lazy Blair flung an arm in Reynolds’ direction in a half-hearted attempt at defense.  The sophomore forward’s effort screamed, “It’s nap time, right after I eat this cake.”  Here you are playing for a trip to the Final Four, and all you can do is try and stop the game-winning shot by sticking one of your jelly doughnut-loving hands in the direction of the man who will ultimately become a hero?  Fatty!

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2B Jose Lopez

We break down your 2009 Seattle Mariners, position-by-position, with the start of the MLB regular season fast approaching.  In our first installment, we take a look at the infielders.

Projected Starters: 1B Russell Branyan; 2B Jose Lopez; 3B Adrian Beltre; SS Yuniesky Betancourt.

Bench: 2B/SS Ronny Cedeno.

Fighting for a spot: 1B Mike Sweeney; 1B Chris Shelton; 2B/SS Reegie Corona.

40-man roster players in the minors: 1B Mike Carp; 1B Bryan LaHair; 3B Matt Tuiasosopo.

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Thank you, Matt Bouldin, for providing us the gayest picture of the year:

You can view all five of this year’s commercials by CLICKING HERE.

Because we’re looking for something to do, we’ve decided to grade the 2009 Seattle Mariners commercials.  We’re just weird like that.  All grades are out of five stars.  Also, cast your vote for your favorite ’09 M’s commercial at the bottom of the article.

Commercial #1

Title: 24/7

Starring: Mariner manager Don Wakamatsu.

Premise: Wakamatsu’s life is all about baseball.

Grade: 4 stars

Best parts: Wakamatsu’s offhand side comments while reading (“Huh, I didn’t know that.”) and watching movies (“I love this part.”).

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Former Sonic James Donaldson has thrown his hat into the ring for Seattle mayor.  Donaldson is a local business owner and is basing much of his campaign off improving business relations between the city office and local owners.  He is also placing an emphasis on bettering underserved areas of the city, and cites a disconnect between the current mayor and the city council as a major reason why there has been a lack of action from our leaders.

Unfortunately, many of us who want to see changes in Seattle don’t live within the city limits, and therefore cannot vote on mayor.  But as we all know, competition breeds excellence, and having a big name figure like Donaldson in the running for public office shouldn’t hurt matters any further.  And while Donaldson may not be the ultimate answer (he is a former Coug, keep in mind), at least his name isn’t Greg Nickels, and that’s a great thing.

In no way does this relate to sports.  It’s just funny as all hell.  It’s only 9 seconds long, so worth the view.

Thanks to Seth for finding this gem.

Houston Texans backup running back Ryan Moats should be praised for his handling of a sad and unfortunate situation that occurred over the weekend.  Moats was pulled over by a Dallas police officer for a minor traffic infraction as he rushed to an area hospital where his mother-in-law lay dying.

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In case you missed it from earlier in the week, a repost of this week’s Top 11.

11. Horse racing. Sure, it’s fun to bet on and exciting to watch. But besides literally beating a horse, humans don’t do much to lend themselves to the “sport” of it all. Jockeys simply perform a service, riding and steering the beast in a circle, while the horse does the majority of the work. Plus, have you ever seen a collective group of “athletes” that can excel in any sport while all standing 5’5″ and under? No way. Okay, so female gymnasts may have a case here, but otherwise no.

10. Dog shows. To the overweight, underworked dog handlers, this may be as close to athletics as they ever get. Fat people jogging with animals doesn’t equal a sport, however. Dog shows are about as far from sport as you can get, though some would have you believe otherwise. Because competition is combined with slight aerobic activity, by nature you have a sport. Wrong. This is barely leisure, and it’s disappointing that our increasingly obese society has to stoop so low to justify exercise.

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