Confirmed: Marvin Harrison will kill you

Marvin Harrison will kill you. He will f—ing kill you, and that’s no joke. He is Denzel in “American Gangster,” Pacino in “Scarface,” Pesci in “Goodfellas,” Wayne Brady in “Chappelle’s Show.” He might lead a respectable life during the day, but once darkness falls, you better get your ass away from Marvin Harrison or he will kill you.


Marvin Harrison with malice in his eyes.


Ever since last Spring, when a story surfaced alleging the Colts wideout had pulled the trigger on patrons of his car wash in Philly, I’ve had a hunch that Harrison is a closet murderer. Think about it: if Harrison applied the same work ethic he utilizes in football to anything else in his life, just think how good he’d be at it. Killing is no exception. Based on what I’ve seen from Harrison on the gridiron, he’s probably a Hall of Famer killer, too.

The reason I bring this up now is because Marvin Harrison’s Gungate is once again big news. After months of stagnation, a second witness to the melee emerged yesterday and reported seeing Harrison fire the gun he had been accused of shooting back in April. The witness’ story matched details provided by the first witness, who had come forward when news of the shooting initially broke.

Harrison plotting revenge against the cornerback that just jammed him at the line.

So what does this mean? It means defensive backs and safeties better watch out, for one, because a cheap shot to the aging Harrison’s increasingly fragile body may mean death in the long run, and it’s probably not worth it. Same goes for anyone who simply has beef with the receiver. Chances are, he’s forming a hit list as we speak.

I’m not going to mince words or fabricate the truth: I am legitimately afraid of Marvin Harrison. He has all the tools to be a first-class gangster/murderer. He’s intelligent, a hard worker, quiet, keeps to himself, has an offseason of down time with which to fill, owns his own businesses to launder money, and possesses at least one deadly weapon. Don’t be fooled. Marvin Harrison may seem like a nice guy, but if you’re not careful, he’ll get you, and he’ll kill you.

*Side note: I have a suggestion for next year’s Madden. Let’s have a cheat code where, upon scoring a touchdown, Harrison reaches under the goalpost, pulls out an AK, and takes out the opposing team’s mascot. We’ll need some dialogue from Madden at this point, of course:

John Madden: Holy crapola! Did you see that, Al? I think the mascot from the other team just fainted. I’ll tell you what, I saw that guy in the locker room standing there naked the other day, and he’s as big as a horse!

Al Michaels: No, no, John. I don’t think he fainted at all. I think Marvin Harrison just shot him! Marvin Harrison has just shot the (fill in team’s name) mascot! With what looks to be an assault rifle that he pulled from beneath the goalpost! I can’t believe what I just saw!

Madden: I dunno, Al….I don’t see Brett Favre anywhere.

Michaels: John, no one is talking about Brett Favre right now! Favre isn’t even playing in this year’s edition of the game! Don’t you realize what is happening?! Harrison scored a touchdown for the (fill in whatever team’s name he’s on now) making the score (fill in the blank with score, probably something like 84-3 if you’re a real man), just shot the (fill in team’s name) mascot, and has now turned the gun on the defensive secondary!

Madden: Well you don’t have to yell, Al. I’ll tell you what, uh…well let me just, uh…you know what, Al? Let me tell you something here. Last night I spoke with Favre–

Michaels: Dammit, John! You’re way too old to be doing this anymore! I don’t know how Pat Summerall put up with your crap for all those years! We are witness to what appears to be a quadruple homicide at this point and you have no idea what’s going on! What the hell is wrong with you?! I’m leaving for 2KSports, peace!

Madden: Where’s Al? What’s going on here? Who are you? Where’s Favre?

Joe Buck (stepping into the booth for Al): Hello America, it’s me! That’s right, it’s Joe Buck, your favorite broadcas–holy sh-t! What’s going on here? Is that Harrison with a gun?!

Madden: Buck? You Jack Buck’s son? Let me tell you something ’bout your dad….

4 responses

  1. quality post. well done.

  2. Agreed. Marvin Harrison is damn good at everything he does so it would only make sense that he’s a damn good serial killer.

  3. Yeah, I wouldn’t mess with him. He’s still one of the best recievers though! Go Marvin!!! The people he kills are probably beter off dead anyhow!

  4. Yeah, I wouldn’t mess with him. He’s still one of the best recievers though! Go Marvin!!! The people he kills are probably beter off dead anyhow!

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