Seattle Sportsnet

It’s finally here, 2009. The year 2008 is in the books now, which means we can officially move on to the brand new year that starts today. We’re here to preview how sporting events will unfold over the next 365 days by presenting 11 headlines from the year that will be. Unlike our usual Top 11′s, this time we’ve included all 11 headlines in one countdown list for you to enjoy. Without further ado, the Top 11 Sports Headlines of 2009. Happy New Year, and Happy Top 11 Day!

11. Kids shoot selves in legs as fad sweeps nation. Cite idol Plaxico Burress for “heroic” actions.

10. Senior citizen M’s fans have nothing left to live for as Bloomquist finally gets chance to play. They’ve made showing off their Willie a lifelong mission.

9. Clay Bennett poisoned by tainted Starbucks latte. Former Sonics owner Schultz gets last laugh.

8. Asian community to honor Jake Rocker. Husky QB handles understandable name flub with maturity beyond his years.

7. Future social outcast loses National Spelling Bee by botching “Zduriencik.” Nerd’s parents saw sports as evil temptation.

6. Alex Rodriguez cheats on Madonna with Clint Eastwood. Admits to having an improper liking for floppy, leathery skin.

5. Brett Favre carted off the set of Wrangler Jeans commercial. Hall of Fame QB finally gets jacked up by ad’s actors who used to half-ass their roles as defensive linemen.

4. Arizona Cardinal Steve Breaston censored by American Family Association. AFA to refer to wideout as Steve Mammaryglandon.

3. Mike Vick mauled by pitbull seconds after release from prison. Ironically, pitbull doused Vick in water before electrocuting ex-quarterback.

2. Michael Phelps victimized by 12,000-calorie per day diet. Eight-hundred-pound swimmer forklifted out of bed on Maury Povich Show; reluctantly heads to boot camp with juvenile delinquents who hate their parents.

1. Ben Affleck arrested for DUI while driving Red Sox bandwagon. Actor also cited for indecent exposure while masturbating to Johnny Damon highlight reel.

An oldie but goodie, submitted by reader Jason. Thanks!

Ex-Arizona basketball coach Lute Olson critiques former Wildcat Salim Stoudamire’s dance moves during a home game.

When I see the acronym “P.E.D.,” the term “performance-enhancing drugs” is about the third or fourth phrase that crosses my mind. I envision purple eye drops, pedestrians, and purposive estrogen dialysis all before realizing that in actuality, we’re talking about steroids here. And that’s exactly what performance-enhancing drugs are: steroids. So why can’t we just say that? Why can’t we say “steroids?” Five years ago there were no “P.E.D.’s,” and now all of a sudden they dominate our vernacular.

I don’t know how “performance-enhancing drugs” came to be, but I have a hunch. My guess is some huffy sportswriter somewhere in America desperately needed a synonym for “steroids,” after composing a column in which “steroids” appeared far too many times for his liking. Seeking out a thesaurus, he could find no accurate terms to replace “steroids,” so getting desperately close to his deadline he panicked and created his own term, “performance-enhancing drugs.” In fact, this is the most literal representation of what steroids really are. It’s like referring to a TV as a “visually stimulating electronic device” or a refrigerator as a “nutritional sustenance cooling container.” Sure, it’s technically accurate in its description of steroids, but part of the reason we create words is to abbreviate the definition of any given thing into one definable, recognizable term. In this case, we’ve worked backwards and taken one definable, recognizable term (steroids) and drawn out its definition to create a new more complex term (performance-enhancing drugs). It makes no sense.

Which is why I hate P.E.D.’s. Roger Clemens took P.E.D.’s. Barry Bonds took P.E.D.’s. Everyone took P.E.D.’s. It’s like a disease, or a charitable foundation, or the Pacific Energy Department. The acronym doesn’t justly describe the ugly term it’s meant to describe: steroids. We cringe when we hear that term, but P.E.D.’s does nothing to us. It’s a g-rated, kid-friendly way of saying some guy injected himself with a substance that helped him grow physically stronger and shrink his gonads. If any term in sports need to go, it’s “performance-enhancing drugs” and it’s acronym, “P.E.D.’s.” Good riddance.