Seattle Sportsnet

There were few flubs this year that compared to the one made by the American Family Association. The American Family Association is an ultra-conservative “family” organization that promotes their spin on Biblical values via the internet, a recipe for disaster if there ever was one. The AFA ratcheted up the protection of their moral rights this summer by opting to censor certain words on their site using the Worst Invention Ever: auto find-and-replace.

*Side Note: Auto find-and-replace is a horrible, horrible invention. Whoever invented it needs to have their name changed to “Poop Johnson.” That way, they’ll fully understand the power of their monstrous creation. No one actually uses auto find-and-replace to do anything productive. Auto find-and-replace was invented for evil pixies who hack computer databases and hijack report papers before replacing words like “the” with words like “boobies.” Nice job, auto find-and-replace inventor.

The specific word the AFA wanted to censor was “gay.” They chose to find-and-replace all instances of the word “gay” with the word “homosexual” instead. You can probably see where this is headed.

During the Summer Olympics, the AFA website picked up an AP news feed regarding none other than American sprinter Tyson Gay. Yes. Instead of “Tyson Gay wins…,” the headline read “Tyson Homosexual wins…” This isn’t the first time this booboo has occurred, either. Just ask Memphis Grizzlies star Rudy Gay. But really, what else would you expect from an organization that petitions the FCC every time an episode of The Simpsons airs.

Is this the type of Gay we want our children emulating?

In order to properly acknowledge the accomplishments of the AFA, we here at Seattle Sportsnet came up with a more complete list of words that the webmasters at AFA.net should consider censoring in the future. Feel free to contribute your own ideas, as well.

• Dick, Wang, Cock. Instead of the more offensive terms for male genitalia, let’s just go ahead and replace those with the old standard, “Penis.” As in, “Penis Vitale elected to College Basketball Hall of Fame,” “Chien-Ming Penis gets victory for Yankees,” and “Pedro Martinez spotted at illegal penis fight.”

• Balls. Not as appropriate as “testicles,” so we’ll pull the old switcharoo. As in, “Two testicles and one strike.”

• Pujols. Simply not the kind of name parents should have to try and explain to their children. We’ll go with “anal orifices” instead. As in, “Now batting for the Cardinals, Albert Anal Orifices!”

• JaMarcus. Not really offensive, but ethnic enough to scare off the most conservative families. Replaced with “Steve,” as in “Steve Russell under center for Raiders.”

• Boner. The proper term is “erection.” As in, “AFA wins Erection of the Year Award.”

• Sack. In health class, it’s called a “scrotum,” so that’s what we’ll call it, too. As in, “Michael Strahan with a huge scrotum!”

• First Base, Second Base, Third Base, Home Plate. To be replaced by “Friendship,” “First Date,” “Hand holding,” and “Marriage.”

There you go. No one can say we don’t do our part to help out American families. Feel free to check out the AFA website by clicking here and let them know that former Major League pitcher and ex-Mariner Homosexuallord Perry sends his best wishes.