Seattle Sportsnet

The Compton Honkies are a jovial band of rapscallions that play fantasy football home games in a make-believe stadium in the real life city of Compton, California. The Honkies are led by running back Steve Slaton and wide receiver Terrell Owens, and all fourteen of the players on the roster get along just fine. Our mascot is 80′s pop icon Rick Astley and this week we take on the Tehran Ninja Kittens4Justice in the semifinal matchup of the Pearce Fantasy League. Needless to say, we desperately need strong performances from our star players, which is why right now, we’re hating Tony Romo pretty badly.

The national media would like you to believe that Terrell Owens is a divisive force and the individual solely responsible for the turmoil surrounding the Dallas Cowboys these days. Wrong. Terrell Owens is a saint. I know Terrell Owens kind of, and he’s a beautiful person. He’s been on my fantasy team more than once, and I saw him one time in person. No problems with him whatsover. Now I don’t know Tony Romo, but I’ll tell you what, anyone who hates on Terrell Owens is probably pro-war and anti-love. Tony Romo strikes me as a kitten/puppy hater too. My God, how can you hate on kittens and puppies?

If that’s not enough convincing for you, allow me to present more evidence on behalf of the wonderful Terrell Owens:

• When was the last time you saw Tony Romo weep publicly and declare that Terrell Owens is “his receiver?” Never, that’s when. T.O. will cry for you Tony, but you’re not man enough to shed your tears for him? You bastard.

• T.O. swallowed a bottle of pills in an attempt to show the world that he was willing to die for Tony Romo, his quarterback. How does Tony repay the unconditional love of T.O.? He throws the ball to Jason Witten. Jason Witten probably wouldn’t take two Tylenol for your ass.

• Terrell Owens once called Jeff Garcia “gay.” Romo is much gayer than Garcia, and has anyone ever heard T.O. even hint that Romo may be gay? No. What a nice guy.

• Tony Romo rooms with Jason Witten on road trips. Terrell Owens shouldn’t have to sleep with anyone to win their affection. Jason Witten, where are your morals?

If this were a Lifetime movie, Tony Romo would be the ungrateful cheating husband that betrays his loving, affectionate, ample-bosomed beautiful wife, played by Terrell Owens. Tony, I just want to know how you can wake up each morning, look yourself in the mirror, and say “I am a good person,” when the one person who loves you more than anyone else in the entire world is sleeping cold and alone in another room, and that harlot Jason Witten is laying there next to you trying to wreck what was a once a beautiful, loving, affectionate relationship. Damn you, Tony.