Seattle Sportsnet

Mora to UW dead: Dave “Softy” Mahler, of 950 KJR AM fame, went on-air at 10:00 AM this morning with breaking news, stating that the possibility of Jim Mora, Jr. (that’s Jim as a Husky assistant to the left) coaching the UW football team next year is 100% dead. We’ve already been through one of these announcements before, so I’m not too worried. Plus, these absolute statements have always come via “Senior Jim Mora Correspondent and Football Expert” Hugh Millen and not Mora himself. Until I hear it straight from the horse’s mouth, I’m not buying. When Jim Mora can emerge from his cocoon and say “I will not be the next head coach at the University of Washington” with lips moving, sound matching up (no dubbed foreign filmwork here), a live press conference, at least three witnesses, a scribe, ID showing, and a retinal scan to prove he is who he says he is, then I’ll believe it. But not before that.

M’s sign Russell Branyan: Eh. He’s 32 years old, a switch hitter, former top prospect of the Indians back in the late ’90′s, hasn’t ever found a home or panned out, can hit the ball far, strikes out a lot, plays the corner positions but isn’t too handy with the glove, a prototypical NL bat off the bench, a six- or seven-hitter in the lineup, nothing special overall. Remember pinch-hitting guru Dave Hansen? He’s like that but a little better.

Also, the Mariners will be Branyan’s (pictured right) ninth team in the past seven years. So he’s essentially the Travis Henry of Major League Baseball.

Confirmed: Mike Leach talks to UW: The only thing that really excites me about Mike Leach (pictured left) is the prospect of watching him and defensive coordinator Ruffin McNeill (a slimmer McNeill pictured lower right) roaming the sidelines together. Leach is a big dude, but Ruffin McNeill could eat him for breakfast. I don’t know where the Tech coaching staff spends their lunch breaks, but I guarantee you it’s not at a salad bar. McNeill resembles a grizzly bear preparing for winter hibernation. He seemingly stores all his nutrients in a pouch around the lower abdomen area. When clothed, he divides his pouch into two pouches, an upper and a lower pouch, using his belt. I don’t want to think about how this plays out unclothed. Suffice it say, Ruffin McNeill is a huge man.

Anyways, yesterday the Times’ Bob Condotta reported that an observant local sports fan spotted Mike Leach on a plane coming to Seattle, presumably to interview with the UW athletic department. As it turns out, the fan’s and Condotta’s instincts were spot-on, since Texas Tech today confirmed Leach’s undercover rendezvous in the Great Northwest. I guess that’s cool. Leach is probably the biggest name left on the coaching front for a desperate Husky Nation. He just isn’t that appealing to me. He’s not young. He runs a gimmicky offense. He has a divisive personality (from what I’ve heard in the media). He’s been compared side-by-side to country singer Vince Gill (but personally, I think he looks like he could be Softy Mahler’s dad). He’s not the sexy choice at this point. I guess we’ll have to wait and see how this plays out.

Hello Jim. You don’t need my advice, but I’m here to offer a few reasons why taking the Husky head coaching job is a good move, despite your $4- million per year commitment to the Seahawks. Let’s dive right in.

1. Husky fans love you way more than Seahawks fans do. Hawks fans think of you as the minivan parked in the driveway. You’re just kinda there. You’re practical. You get the job done. When you were new you were pretty cool. There’s always potential for an upgrade. No one’s really expecting much out of you.

Husky fans, on the other hand, see you as the Batmobile. You are the epitome of cool. There are no possible upgrades. You will get us to where we need to be rapidly and awesomely. We will take care of you better than we take care of ourselves. We expect a lot of you, and we know you can be counted on to deliver.

It’s all about love Jim, and Seattle sports fans love you as the Husky football coach, and just kind of like you as the Hawks coach. Money can’t buy love.

2. Two words: Jake Locker. You used to run an option-type offense in Atlanta that was deadly. You had a speedy quarterback with a strong arm and unmitigated raw ability. Your current quarterback, Matt Hasselbeck, is none of those things. The quarterback you could have, Jake Locker, is all of those things and more.

He will be here for two more years if you’re here with him. The sky is the limit on what this team could achieve with a Mora-Locker campaign in ’09. From 0-12 to 12-0, who knows? The fact of the matter is the two of you could be great for each other, with your know-how and his ability to learn and improve. Think about it.

3. Coeds. As Seahawks head coach, your most attractive female fan is a senior citizen nicknamed “Mama Blue.” At UW, you can have thousands of young college girls screaming your name and worshipping the ground you walk on. Even better most of them will be over 18 years of age (and under 75). Sure, you’re married now, but coaching is a grueling profession that often leads to divorce and what better fallback option than a bunch of young ladies half your age who want to help make Jim Mora, III?

Take a look at this photo, Jim: You’re not trying to hit that, I know you.

4. Longevity. Did you know that the average head coaching tenure in the NFL is only about three years, Jim? Three years. In three years at UW you could go 0-36 and spend every day chilling with the frolfers in the quad and no one would so much as think of asking for your job. The bar is set so low for you on Montlake that Gary Coleman could tomahawk jam over it.

On the other hand, with the Seahawks you’d be replacing an icon. Your first loss will bring with it a week-long scrutinization of your abilities. An actual losing streak would plant you firmly on the hot seat. The baggage you’d be carrying around Qwest Field with you from the very start would be enough to gain Britney Spears’ pity. You want to be able to sleep at night don’t you, Jim? The Sandman is waiting for you at the Don James Center.

5. Boosters. So what if the school can only pay you half as much as you’d be making with the Hawks? The college game is blessed with more gift-givers than the North Pole, meaning every time you set foot in a local bar, a Husky fan will be there to buy your drink. Head up to the Ave or U-Village for a quick meal, and guaranteed it’s on the house. Try getting free provisions in and around the SODO area, and you’ll likely be greeted with a blank stare and a tab.

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg, Jim. You want a new wardrobe, a car, a house, you name it, it’s yours. People will find a way to help their iconic college coach, but in the pros all they want to do is bring you down.

Jim, together we can do this. Help us help you. All you have to do is say yes, and the world can be yours.