Everybody, Chill: The Mariners Are Just Fine

mariners-fan-catches-foul-ball-in-beer-then-chugsYou people are insatiable.

Three games into a 162-game season and you’re flipping out like Drake just walked in the room wearing your favorite team’s jersey. It’s goddamn ridiculous. Get ahold of yourselves.

There are precisely four possible outcomes for a team’s win-loss record after three games – 0-3, 1-2, 2-1, and 3-0. And because the Seattle Mariners haven’t achieved the very best outcome, we’re out here losing our shit on a Wednesday night because THE SEASON IS RUINED.

First of all, cool your tits. Continue reading Everybody, Chill: The Mariners Are Just Fine

Athletic Supporters Send Jerry Brewer to Bullets

shvxAs the owner, general manager, and sometimes point guard of a rec team of increasingly unathletic amateur basketball players, I’m here today to formally announce the sad news of the departure of a fellow Athletic Supporter teammate of mine.

Jerry Brewer, who supplemented his time as a power shooting center by moonlighting as a columnist for The Seattle Times, has been dealt to the Washington (D.C.) Bullets, ending his tenure with the Supporters. The move will subsequently necessitate a career change for Brewer, who will be leaving the Times for a similar position at The Washington Post.

In his time with the Supporters, Brewer emerged as a favorite of the team’s five or six fans. Recognized for his matching green warmup suits, as well as his inability to corral wayward behind-the-back passes from guard Ryan Divish, Brewer etched himself into rec league lore by successfully bringing back the spectacle sport strap, not seen since Kurt Rambis last played in the NBA.

Brewer may best be remembered in Seattle for his time spent off the court, however.

Occasionally penning stories that geriatrics loved to forward via “the internet mail” to their grandkids, Brew established himself as one of the most respected voices of the sports fan in the Pacific Northwest.

When he wasn’t waxing poetic about athletics for the Times, Brewer seized the opportunity to start a family, seducing a woman, marrying her, spawning a son, and even adopting a kitten. He also made time for his buddies, often showing up to local watering holes in crisp sport coats while everyone else donned tattered t-shirts and worn jeans.

For this scribe, at least, Brewer will be remembered as a friend and confidant who helped foster an ability to piece words together in a captivating way. While anyone can write, Brew would devote entire afternoons to sitting at a bar, discussing life, and inspiring the ideas that materialized into print for a twenty-something lazy-ass. That he once triumphantly captained a mission to get that same lazy-ass to 1,000 followers on Twitter will never be forgotten, either.

As our pal departs for the other Washington, we remember karaoke renditions of Gin and Juice, a knack for incorrectly spelling words that describe acts of human nature, and that one time a whiny kid on an opposing team threw a basketball at Brewer for reasons unknown.

Jerry, no matter what all the internet haters say, we don’t think you’re weird at all. In fact, we’ll miss you. And we wish you well as you depart your adoptive home for a new adventure.

In exchange for Brewer, the Bullets will send 48-year-old forward/center Pervis Ellison, who averaged 20 points and 11 rebounds in the 1991-1992 season, to Seattle.

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An Open Vent: Taking Down Statheads and Pitbull’s Latest Single

pitbullneyoWelcome back to An Open Vent, SSN’s recurring segment bashing anything and everything that is truly vent-worthy.

Today we examine a new song you may have heard, as well as a group of people you might just despise. No time for dilly-dallying. Let’s get right to it.

1. Pitbull’s latest single.

If you’ve turned on your radio in the past few weeks, chances are you’ve heard Time of Our Lives, the latest single from esteemed Cuban-American recording artist, Pitbull. Featuring a cameo performance by R&B singer Ne-Yo, who can’t seem to separate himself from underwhelming rappers, the catchy tune could very well be one of Pitbull’s finest pieces of work.

Like much of Pitbull’s recorded anthology, however, the lyrics to this song are completely and utterly ridiculous. Whoever pens the bastardized poetry that comprises this three-minute-forty-nine-second track deserves to scribe verses in a remedial high school English class until he or she is brought to tears by the taunts and jeers of ruthless teenagers who could easily seize this person’s job and perform just as aptly.

Continue reading An Open Vent: Taking Down Statheads and Pitbull’s Latest Single

Take It or Leave It: Rickie Weeks is a Pickle

Rickie+Weeks+Milwaukee+Brewers+Photo+Day+2Dq_D-DI612lPrepare yourselves.

The internet will be inundated with Mariners fanboys ejaculating unbridled excitement over the likes of one Rickie Weeks in the coming hours. I’m not content to sit idly by and accept irrational positivity in the midst of shoulder-shrugging circumstances, so here comes a massive, throbbing counterpoint to help keep you sober in spite of the slobbering, panting statheads working to do otherwise.

First of all, if you haven’t heard the news (and god forbid you’re getting your news from these pages), your Seattle Mariners went and signed the aforementioned Weeks to a one-year, $2 million deal on Wednesday. Weeks, formerly of the Milwaukee Brewers, is a one-time All-Star who used to be among the game’s brightest young stars before a dramatic decline in 2012. The second baseman’s career was on life support through 2013, but a platoon role a season ago helped rejuvenate Weeks’ once-powerful right-handed bat.

Continue reading Take It or Leave It: Rickie Weeks is a Pickle

Introducing 12s to Lofa Tatupu

LofaTatupuWho is that assistant linebacker’s coach the Seahawks just hired? Why is he so important? And why is everyone so excited to have him aboard?

These are questions you may find yourself asking in the wake of the recent news about the hiring of one Lofa Tatupu, new assistant linebacker’s coach for your Seattle Seahawks. And your questions are certainly valid. How often do we really get excited about an assistant’s assistant, anyway? And why this assistant’s assistant, for that matter?

You’re very lost and confused. You’ve been a 12 since 2012, but this name rings no bells. Tatupu? Can’t remember hearing that one tossed around the water cooler at work. Fear not, good 12. Despite your relative lack of devotion to a sports franchise which you’ve blindly pledged your faith, we’re here to help. Let’s begin, shall we?

The legend of Lofa Tatupu begins precisely one decade ago, in a simpler time, before the advent of Twitter, or iPhones, or even Super Bowl XLVIII neck tattoos. It is a legend that spans just six years, and yet one that radiates as bright as the dazzling incandescence of a colossal supernova. Tatupu, you see, was a vibrant, lustrous star. But we’ll table his legend for now. Because in order to be properly introduced to greatness, one must first understand what greatness is not.

Continue reading Introducing 12s to Lofa Tatupu

The Fleeting Disappointment of Defeat

nuggetsI’ll never forget the first time I ever witnessed one of my favorite sports teams endure a bitter, unexpected defeat. The date was May 7th, 1994. It was a Saturday and I was at a friend’s house. He was the catcher on our Little League team, the Orioles, and I was one of two pitchers on the squad. We’d played a game that morning, and immediately after we went back to his place to watch basketball.

Our beloved Sonics played the Denver Nuggets that afternoon, game five of the NBA’s Western Conference First Round Playoffs. The series was tied at two games apiece. Seattle had taken an early 2-0 series lead with the home court advantage. Games three and four, however, went to the Nuggets in the altitude of the Mile High City. A return to the Pacific Northwest signaled the final bout of the five-game matchup. As the number-one overall seed, the Sonics should have easily dispatched the lowly Nuggets, winners of just 42 contests in the regular season. And yet on this particular day, it wasn’t meant to be.

Continue reading The Fleeting Disappointment of Defeat

Playing Oregon Trail With Loathed Seattle Sports Figures

If you haven’t heard the big news, The Internet Archive recently released over 2,000 classic MS-DOS games to play for free online. One of the free games available is seminal childhood favorite, The Oregon Trail.

Because I’m still a 10-year-old at heart, I seized the opportunity to play one of my all-time favorite computer games once again.

Knowing I might not immediately possess the proper skill to conquer the Trail after a two-decade layoff, I opted to feel my way through the linear, two-dimensional world of middle America with a party of Seattle’s least-favorite sports figures. That party consisted of:

1. A young’n named “Cyler.”

2. Another young’n named “Ayala.”

3. An adolescent named “Figgins.”

4. An older fellow named “Chone.”

5. A leader named “Wakamatsu,” who we can only imagine would often fight with Chone and Figgins.

OREGONTRAIL

Continue reading Playing Oregon Trail With Loathed Seattle Sports Figures

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