Pop Culture Friday: The Jack Johnson Theory, and Other Logic to Help Women Understand Men
Over the years, I’ve learned to never underestimate a woman. There are women out there who enjoy xBox, for example. Or like to watch porn as often as dudes. Or can even lead a receiver on the perfect corner route for a touchdown. Women can do anything. Men, on the other hand, are simple creatures.
If anything, women should have learned long ago to never overestimate men. We have a capacity for things we’re good at that maxes out around, say, six or seven. You’ll never meet a guy who is good at more than six or seven things. If you’re a woman, you better hope the man you settle down with doesn’t waste that capacity on stupid shit like Magic Cards or the construction of rubber band balls. We’re working with limited resources here.
Further, men only like six or seven things, as well. Most often the things we like are closely tied to the things we’re good at. For instance, I’m good at reading books. I also like reading books. You see how this works? It’s not that difficult.
Top 11: Seattle Sports Fan Profiles
To a professional sports franchise, the best fans are like great pets. They never stray because they lack intellectual curiosity. They never ask for more than a little love and some food. They’re easily distracted by toys and other nonsense. Very simply, they are dumb, happy, and satisfied.
We do have some of those fans here in Seattle. Many, I’d imagine. But we also have a number of other fans. Different types of fans. Unique fans. Good fans, even. It’s time we examined those fans and looked within ourselves to find out who we truly are.
Below is a list of 11 fan profiles for your viewing pleasure. This isn’t just any list, though. It’s a list pertinent to our very region. These are Seattle sports fan profiles. They’re ours. And they’re amazing.
11. Disciples of Geoff Baker
Bring Back Karate Emergency: An Open Letter to KJR’s Rich Moore
What follows is a letter I have sent to the station manager at Sports Radio KJR, Rich Moore. Feel free to email Rich at programming@kjram.com if you have an opinion you’d like to share. You can also contact Rich on Twitter, @950PD.
“Take a look at me now, ’cause there’s just an empty space. And you coming back to me is against all odds, and that’s what I’ve got to face.” -Phil Collins.
Hello Rich,
You’ll notice I’ve quoted Phil Collins above. A man only does that when he’s desperate, Rich. I wish I could just make you turn around. Turn around and see me cry. There’s so much I need to say to you. So many reasons why.
Rich, I’m writing to you today with a plea. I’m writing on my own accord, unbeknownst to my cohorts, asking you to let us bring back the internet’s greatest podcast, Karate Emergency. I’ve searched the entire web. There are no better podcasts. Ours won. It’s science.
The Stupidity of Recruiting
Recruiting in college athletics is stupid. It brings out the worst in everybody. It exposes coaches as slimeballs, fans as batshit crazy whiners, and the high school prey as immature, entitled punks.
A short while ago, Doug Pacey of the Tacoma News-Tribune wrote this article on fans’ “nastiness” during the recruiting process. The piece could not have been more precise in explaining the ever-narrowing gap between fans and prospective college athletes, a divide that has been lessened with the rise of the internet age.
While college recruiting has always been a sleazy industry, hardcore fanatics have only really been brought into the fold over the past decade, as sites like Rivals.com and Scout.com (host to our very own Dawgman.com) have made prep athletics — and all which that entails; namely, recruiting — their primary focus. At the same time, social media websites like Facebook and Twitter have given fans direct access to the recruits themselves, a caustic union akin to mixing Tim McGraw and Nelly (every time I hear Over and Over, I’m quite positive a child in a third-world country is stricken with malaria).
Snowy, With A Chance of Jesus
Hello, Seattle. The news says we’re going to get between one and twelve inches of snow on Wednesday. One and twelve. That’s a hell of a range. I told my last date that she’d be getting between one and twelve inches when we got home and we never went out again, so, yeah. Good work, local meteorologists. Way to narrow it down for us.
I was at the grocery store preparing for this monstrosity earlier today. I scoured the aisles like I was on Supermarket Sweep, stockpiling all the essentials: microwaveable meals, cookies, Red Bull, string cheese. My cart was a dietician’s worst nightmare. But whatever, right? That’s why we have the Wroten Workout Plan. Unclogs the arteries. Oh, and the Red Bull was sugar free, so there’s that.
Pop Culture Friday: Five Songs to Help You Get Laid
Welcome to Pop Culture Friday! As you probably know, I don’t always write about sports here at Seattle Sportsnet. So rather than keeping you guessing on when non-sports articles will appear on these pages, I’ve devoted Friday to the eclectic cause. Expect a good dose of pop culture every Friday from here on out. If you love it, enjoy. If you hate it, that’s one day out of the week you don’t have to visit the site. Without further ado…
The other day, my buddy Griffin Bennett (@GriffinWB on the Twitter; read his work over at Montlake Madness) tipped me off to an article simply entitled 10 Most Crucial Middle School Dance Jams. I took a look at the piece…and was thoroughly disappointed. First of all, any list that considers a song by Joe to be the most crucial of the most crucial is absolutely abysmal. Joe’s own mother wouldn’t put his music at the top, so why should anyone else?
Regardless, the article inspired me. It inspired me to not only compile a list of my own, but also to make that list helpful in some way or another. Writing about middle school dance jams is nostalgic and all, but it isn’t much more than that. So I decided I’d give every guy out there advice on music by which to get laid. Don’t thank me. I’m just trying to do my part.
41 Reasons Seattle Deserves To Have The Sonics Back
One for every f**king year of history we have.
1. We’re the Seattle Supersonics, the only team in NBA history to have the word “Super” in our nickname. That’s not by accident. We’re super awesome.
2. We used to play our games in the Coliseum, which is so highly thought of that the Romans named their ancient structure after our much more modern one.
The Huskies Just Don’t Give A…
The problem with the Husky Basketball team is that they appear to not give a shit. In any sport there will always be wins and losses. That’s a given. But win or lose, you can only hope that your team gives a shit every time they play. So far this season, the Huskies have failed to prove to me — and to many others, I’d imagine — that they are among the shit-giving elite in college basketball. That’s not good.
As a collective unit, this year’s squad resembles Matt LeBlanc in Joey. After Friends, that guy completely mailed it in. He used to care. And then Joey came along. At which point, he more or less gave up. NBC was still signing off on his paychecks. That’s really all that mattered. Lazy bastard.
Since the Huskies neither star in a sitcom spinoff nor get paid, I can’t imagine what’s motivating them to take the court these days. Maybe it’s the free gear they get, the nice kicks they wear, or perhaps all the hot college chicks they get to bang. I don’t know. I am not a psychologist. All I see is a lack of effort, hustle, and desire. Which leads me to question the heart of the entire program.
Twitter: Our Drug of Choice
I love Twitter. Which is also why I hate it so much. It’s like cocaine for media whores. Every time you think you can go a day, an hour, a minute without it, you start scratching your neck funny and you’re back on the rock before you know it. It’s absolutely dangerous.
There are any number of things I loathe about Twitter. Not so much the things we all know about already — like the fact that many athletes are uneducated morons, for one — but rather the things that have come to dictate our social behaviors as a result of 140-character status updates.
Take, for example, the fact that Twitter gives us a false sense of surrounding at all times. Think about it. If you’re alone or even feel for a second that you could be alone (ex. party wallflower syndrome), you can grab your phone and peruse your Twitter feed. You can tune out from the real world and tune into a universe that accepts you for the two or three sentences you, or others like you, might be able to cram into a text box. That’s a powerful distraction, one that rivals drugs and alcohol in its ability to divert the discomfort of a situation.
Top 11: Absolutely Ridiculous 2012 Seattle Sports Predictions
One year is gone and another is just beginning. We experienced quite a bit in 2011. From college football scandals galore, to divine quarterbacks, to dual lockouts, to more whimsical things, like every local sports team finding its way to a mediocre finish.
So where do we go from here? Great question. I don’t have ESP, but I like to think I do. Here are my predictions for everything that may or may not happen in the coming year. Just remember, sixty percent of the time, these work every time. Unless they don’t. In which case, at least we had fun pretending.
Without further ado, here are your absolutely ridiculous 2012 Seattle sports predictions. Because predicting the future is super fun.
Why The Huskies Will Win The Alamo Bowl
So we go to this liquor store today to buy Crown Royal. There’s a history with Husky football tailgates, my friends, and Crown Royal. First of all, Crown comes in purple-and-gold packaging, so there’s that. Secondly, we are undefeated (1-0) in bowl games that we bring Crown to, which is also quite important. Long story short, we go out of our way to bring Crown Royal to games and there’s a very limited track record that tells us this is a good idea.
Anyway, we get to Twin Liquors in San Antonio, find our desired purchase, and make our way to the cash register to pay. The following conversation then ensues:
Because It’s Christmas
When I was in middle school, I suffered the misfortune of enduring a horizontal growth spurt, rather than a vertical one. My grandma called it “a phase,” which was fairly accurate, except the “phase” ended up lasting four years. During that time, there was no denying that I was what one might call husky. Or, to put it more bluntly, chubby. So chubby, in fact, that I claimed former University of Connecticut point guard Khalid El-Amin — who was also quite rotund — as my favorite basketball player.
The association with El-Amin only paid dividends one time in my entire life. I was in seventh grade, sitting in Spanish class working on some sort of group project, when the girl I had a huge crush on asked me if I knew the name of UConn’s portly little superstar. I looked around first to make sure she wasn’t talking to someone else, then picked my jaw up off the ground and managed to stutter, “Uh, you mean, uh, Khalid El-Amin?”
Dawg Pack Dirt: Cal State Northridge
Dawg Pack Dirt: Cal State Northridge
Volume 8, Issue 7, December 22, 2011
Special to Seattle Sportsnet
Written by dedicated Dawg Pack members
The game:
-Cal State Northridge Matadors (3-6) @ Washington Huskies (5-5)
-Alaska Airlines Arena at Hec Edmundson Pavilion, Seattle, Wash.
-Thursday, December 22, 2011, 7:00 p.m. PST.
The team:
-Northridge is currently 3-6 on the season.
-Freshman guard Stephan Hicks leads the Matadors with 17.5 ppg and 8.5 rebounds.
-Head coach Bobby ‘Bras’ Braswell is in his 16th season at CSUN after coming from Oregon as an assistant coach.
-Braswell’s son and two former players stole over $6,000 worth of merchandise from a local Best Buy in 2009. They were released on $20,000 bail.
Dawg Pack Dirt: UCSB
Dawg Pack Dirt: UC Santa Barbara
Volume 8, Issue 6, December 16, 2011
Special to Seattle Sportsnet
Written by dedicated Dawg Pack members
The game:
-UCSB Gauchos (5-2) @ Washington Huskies (4-4)
-Alaska Airlines Arena at Hec Edmundson Pavilion, Seattle, Wash.
-Friday, December 16, 2011, 7:00 p.m. PST.
The team:
The Coalition to Send Erin Hawksworth to the Alamo Bowl
Oh, hey, look at this. An anonymous sports fan emailed the good people over at Q13 Fox with a request to send our favorite sportscaster to the Alamo Bowl. No, not Carlos del Valle, Rod Simons, or Gaard Swanson — See what I did right there? Went retro on you — but Erin Hawksworth, who is clearly better looking than all three of those other guys (sorry Carlos, Rod, and Gaard).
The anonymous email happened to fall into my lap and I’ve taken the liberty of reprinting it for all of you to see. Because as a Husky fan myself, I wholeheartedly support the “Send Erin to the Alamo Bowl” movement. For obvious reasons.
Again, we have no idea who wrote this. It’s blatantly anonymous.
Hi there,
As a concerned Husky Football fan, I’m writing to convince you to send Erin Hawksworth to the Alamo Bowl. You’re probably asking yourself why, in these tough economic times, you should consider sending Erin to the Alamo Bowl at all. That’s a fantastic question which I plan to answer. You’re probably also asking yourself why you shouldn’t send Aaron Levine. Also a great question which I will address. Without consuming too much of your time, let’s discuss the importance of this decision.
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